Friday, 21 May 2010

The Dream And Christina Milian to divorce? (Kat Stacks laugh)

According to various publications, Christina Milian, formerly of Island Def Jam and The Dream, currently of "10 Reasons Why You Should Sign A Pre-Nup When Marrying Someone Less Succesful Than Yourself" are having marital problems and are on the brink of divorce.

"insert smart ass comment here".
This story is funny for two reasons:
1. Who really gives a flying damn.
2. If this is true, then Christina and her mami just made bank.

Christina has a habit of seeing producers and "collaborating" with them. Anyone remember Dre of Cool and Dre.

Then after getting dropped by Senor Carter after that album that sold less copies than Wendy Williams could sell female hormones, she got with The Dream. Honestly, whether she loves(d) him or not, you'd have to be Chris Brown not to realize that her relationship with him has financial benefits.

3LW - "You Ain't Ready"
Ashanti - "Medicine"
B2K - "Everything"
- "Still in Love"
- "Missin' You"
- "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"
- "Smash Into You"
Boss - "Butterfly Effect"
Billy Crawford - "Bright Lights Big City"
Brit and Alex
- "Beautiful"
- "Heart Breaker"
- "Preachin' to the Choir"
- "Thats My Baby"
Britney Spears - "Me Against the Music" (feat. Madonna)
Brooke Valentine - "Ghetto Superstarz"
Celine Dion - "Skies of L.A."
Chris Brown - "You"
- "Ciara To The Stage"
- "High Price"
- "Like A Surgeon"
- "Keep Dancing" (feat. The-Dream)
- "Lover's Thing" (feat. The-Dream)
Dear Jayne
- "Talkin' 'Bout Himself"
- "I Loose Everything"
Diddy - "Change"
J. Holiday
- "Bed"
- "Laa Laa"
- "Suffocate"
Jamie Foxx
- "Just Like Me (feat. T.I.)"
- "Slow"
- "Rainman"
- "Why"
- "Digital Girl (feat. Kanye West)"
Janet Jackson - "Greatest X"
Jennifer Lopez - "Louboutins"
Jesse McCartney -"Leavin"
Justin Bieber
- "One Time"
- "Baby" (feat. Ludacris)
Karina Pasian - "16 @ War"
Lindsay Lohan
- "Washing My Hands"
- "Problem Solver (Call Me)"
- "I Need Love"
Lucy Walsh
- "Forever Since"
- "So Uncool"
Mario - "Crazy Kind of Love"
Mariah Carey
- "Touch My Body"
- "Touch My Body (remix)" (feat. The-Dream)
- "Betcha Gon' Know (The Prologue)"
- "Obsessed"
- "H.A.T.E. U"
- "Candy Bling"
- "Ribbon"
- "Standing O"
- "Inseparable"
- "It's A Wrap"
- "Up Out My Face"
- "More Than Just Friends"
- "The Impossible"
- "Angels Cry"
- "Languishing (Interlude)"
- "They Don't Know Me (Unreleased)"
- "I Need Things"
Mary J. Blige
- "Grown Woman" (feat. Ludacris)
- "Just Fine"
- "Feel Like a Woman"
- "Shake Down" (feat. Usher)
- "Roses"
- "Come to Me (Peace)"
- "Nowhere Fast"
- "Mirror" (feat. Eve)
- "Kitchen"
Mýa - "Like Crazy"
Nicole Scherzinger - "Powers Out" (feat. Sting)
- "Complicated"
- "I Can't Mess with You"
- "Indian Dance"
- "Let It Go"
- "Okay" (feat. Lil Jon & YoungBloodZ)
- "Red Cup" (feat. The-Dream)
- "Watch It"
Raheem DeVaughn - "Customer"
- "Breakin' Dishes"
- "Lemme Get That"
- "Sell Me Candy"
- "Umbrella"
- "Hatin' On The Club"
- "Hard" (feat. Young Jeezy)
- "Rockstar 101" (feat. Slash)
Shawn Desman
- "No More"
- "Man in Me"
- "Ooh"
Steph Jones - "La La Means Love"
Sterling Simms - "All I Need"
Sugababes - "Gotta Be You"
- "Moving Mountains"
- "This Ain't Sex"
- "Trading Places"
Yung Joc - "Coffee Shop" (feat. Gorilla Zoe)

I'll assume you know how publishing works.
So if they are divorcing, then Christina and her mother, you remember her right? That overbearing excuse for a mom-ager who was convinced her daughter was the second coming of Paula Abdul, are going to make money in less than two years than they did when Christina was at the height (sighs) of her career (shits).
I really thought The Dream was smarter than this, I mean really- with d-list celebrities divorcing quicker than Alicia can drop her panties for a married man you would everyone would be extra cautious.
Evidently not.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

BET? Take out the B and You've got a Deal.

Nicki Minaj
Justin Bieber
Young Money
Melanie Fiona

What do all these artists have in common? Well, all of them are nominated for BET Awards in the New Artist category, (sigh) yes even the second name there. Justin Bieber. I'm not going to digress, I'll get straight to the point.

When you take a white face, give them a "stereotypically" black context and put lots of money behind that white face, you find just how intelligent these record labels really are.
Since the 60s, doing things "the black way" has always been seen as rebellious and we all know that in our society being a rebel is seen as being real and so record labels have found a clever way to exploit this by giving some of their artists a "real" context.
So what happens in capitilism is this, the smartest people find way to fuse things to make lots of money from it.
So of course, because all of us have been subtly programmed to still view being Caucasian as the height of society record labels have spent years trying to make their Caucasian artsts more real and "rebellious" whilst maintaining mainstream appeal. The best way to do this is to give this Caucasian artists urban writers who will strategically throw slang into a song with catchy hooks so that in the eyes of the 14 year old girl up in her bedroom, the music she is listening to is not cheesy and "real," when in fact its been tried and tested for decades.

Still unsure as to what I'm getting at?

Ironically, this poor excuse for an artist has been marketed as Usher's protege' when Usher himself is a victim of the same thing that makes Justin Bieber a success. Anyone remember how upset Usher was with Justin Timberlake because Usher felt like he was being swaggerjacked, well yes he was, but Justin Timberlake is actually a good artist who can sing, and dance and has artistic credibility.
Justin Bieber isnt doing anything that Aaron Carter wasnt doing ten years ago, and he sure as heck itself isn't doing anything that little Bobby from the round way couldn't do when he was four.

However, Little Bobby is too black for white audiences and 14 year old girls only respond to urban music when it has a European face. I am a world-centric person, I believe that diversity is beautiful but I'm a marketing student, I know exploitation and deceit when I see it.

The BET Awards giving Justin Bieber a Best New Artist nomination but not giving Monica a Best R'n'b Female nomination? Are we really suprised? As much as I enjoy BET, we all know that these black organisations are just a way for big corporations to fool black audiences into believing that something is being specifically tailored for them, when in fact it uses channels like BET to appear politically correct. Ironically, the only category Justin Bieber can be found in is Best New Artist, but not in the Best Male R'n'b Artist category? Is that BET's way of acknowledging that Justin is a Pop Artist, but aren't BET anti-pop, wasn't Michelle Williams' We Break The Dawn too pop for them at one point?

No- once again, BET are changing their own rules to suit themselves, I wouldn't be suprised if a financial incentive wasn't provided for them to give the brat a nomination. Then we take a look at the Best Male R'n'b Category, Usher and Chris Brown are there, but no Robin Thicke? A wife beater and a has been who both couldn't even shift discount bombs to Al-Qaeda are nominated over an artist with an album as critically aclaimed as Robin's.

It'd be interesting to see how their audience reacts if the brat wins the award he's nominated for.

Dear Sandra Rose

Dear Sandra
As one of the only Sasha Supremacists who actually performs cunningulus, there was a time where I hated you. There was a time where I dreamed of meeting you backstage at a Monica concert (shut up) and giving you a "You Told Harpo to Beat Me" smackdown. I used to hate you more than Sean Kingston hates The Biggest Loser but then I saw something.
What I saw hurt me so much, I thought about you and how you were feeling, how you were coping with it?

Now since I know you were too busy waxing your pussy lips to know what I'm talking about, take a gander below:

Mean, right?
Now there is no need to even go into whether what he said about you was right or wrong, because then we'd have to discuss how intelligent he is and I think Rihanna's face circa February 2009 answers that question. Instead of discussing Chris Brown, let's discuss you and what you need to do to counteract such hateful tweets.

1. Pledge your allegiance to a relevant entertainment force. No- Tiny doesnt count. Pledging your allegiance to someone with a giant fan base guarantees support in times like this, I'd advise Michael Jackson, his fans will defend anything as long as it defends their hero, don't talk about the little boys, the nose, the face, the brows or the lacefront and you're as good as in.

2. Support and exploit pain. This worked for Tyra Banks. Supporting and exploiting pain, eg abuse victims turned Top Model contestants, rape victims turned Tyra Banks show guests, anytime someone says something mean about you, people will assume that whoever is talking about you is also talking about the pain that you support and exploit. Why do you think most comedians dont talk about Tyra "The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Take Is My Producers 10 Inches" Banks, they don't want to be seen as being insensitive to her "altruistic" causes.

3. Stop talking shit about The Knowles'. I'm not sure how it will help you but it would make me happy, if you continue to talk scheisse about The Knowles' you can forget about our little date, (I take cash in advance and I don't do outcalls)


Definition: When someone is convinced that they are as powerful, influential and as respected as Oprah Winfrey. Symptons may include "Never Yelling At A Girl Like This Before" and pretending to be a journalist on a heavily edited talk show hosted by yourself and produced by bumbling idiots too afraid to tell you what they REALLY think of your lacefront.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Things That Are Fun to Look At.

Life can be hard for a has been slut. One decade you're hot, the next you're not. One moment every Queen, Lion, Bear, Tiger and suspect Choir Conductor is chanting your lyrics and the next you're auditioning for a low budget straight to DVD movie that you will spend years trying to pretend never existed.

Anyway, Christina Aguilera who spent the last ten years of her career being compared to a certain Icon is now being compared to another and she doesnt like it. In an interview with OUT Magazine (for which George Rekers hopes to begin editing in the near future) Aguilera reffered to Lady Gaga as a "newcomer" and "fun to look at."

Since we're talking about things that are "fun to look at", let's talk about things that aren't so fun to look at.

Not Myself Tonight
Australia (ARIA)[39] 22
Belgium (Ultratop Flanders)[40] 24
Belgium (Ultratip Wallonia)[41] 10
Canada (Canadian Hot 100)[42] 11
Czech Republic (IFPI)[43] 38
Japan (Japan Hot 100)[44] 14
Netherlands (Dutch Top 40)[45] 18
New Zealand (RIANZ)[46] 32
Russian Airplay Chart[47] 168
Slovakia (IFPI)[48] 12
South Korean Digital Chart[49] 73
Spain (PROMUSICAE)[50] 32
Sweden (Sverigetopplistan)[51] 34
Turkey (Türkiye Top 20)[52] 15
United Kingdom (Official Charts Company)[53] 12
US Billboard Hot 100[54] 23
US Hot Dance Club Play[55] 13
US Pop Songs[56] 14

Well ain't that a bitch.

Australian Singles Chart[25] 3
Austrian Singles Chart[80] 3
Belgian Singles Chart (Flanders)[80] 1
Belgian Singles Chart (Wallonia)[80] 1
Brazilian Hot 100 Airplay[81] 85
Canadian Hot 100[29] 3
Czech Airplay Chart[82] 11
Danish Singles Chart[80] 1
Dutch Top 40[83] 6
European Hot 100 Singles[84] 1
Finnish Singles Chart[80] 7
French Singles Chart[85] 3
German Singles Chart[86] 3
Hungarian Singles Chart[30] 3
Irish Singles Chart[33] 1
Italian Singles Chart[80] 2
Japan Hot 100[87] 21
New Zealand Singles Chart[28] 3
Norwegian Singles Chart[80] 1
Polish Airplay Chart[88] 2
Slovak Airplay Chart[89] 6
Spanish Singles Chart[80] 8
Russian Singles Chart[90] 16
Swedish Singles Chart[80] 2
Swiss Singles Chart[80] 4
UK Singles Chart[31] 1
US Billboard Hot 100[22] 3
US Adult Contemporary[91] 28
US Hot Dance Club Songs[23] 1
US Mainstream Top 40[24] 1

In the words of one my personal heroes Proffesor Makael Of The University of Skorpion

"WHO MAD?!".

Is it any suprise that a tired, wailing expired piece of 90s nostalgia who's only released four albums in 10 years is mad that someone else has come along and achieved more respect and commercial success and done it all in two years. I hate to sound like a ball scratching, beer guzzling chauvenist or anything but the best place for SOME women to be is bare footed and in the kitchen and NOT in the studio recording music that nobody cares about.

That is all.

Although I am aware that there is less life in Christina's fan base than there is in the vagina of a 82 year old nun, I still feel it is important that I do commend Christina's publicists for their swift response to the controversy surrounding the comments made by Christina, let's see how quick they get to work when Christina's album charts so low that even Gary Coleman looks down on them.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Crack because of the Crack

No. You are not watching a scene from a BET produced LifeTime Movie. This is a scene from A&E's Intervention. It's difficult to establish which part of it is more heartbreaking- the younger guy's squeal at "I LAV YEU" or the older guys wail. Scheisse! I haven't heard a grown man wail like that since Wyclef was possessed by the Holy Ghost Of D-lists past in the Haiti Relief Single. Scenes like this really tug at my metaphorical heartstrings, so here is a cover of song which could reduce anyone to crying like a Justin Bieber disciple who just found out how puberty works.